Retail Reality Check

My goal in life is to win the lottery. "Working" is just something I do to pay the bills until I retire to Easy Street, USA.

Don't get me wrong, I actually enjoy my current job (most of the time) so my life is not a complete waste at this point. But if I were to win a jackpot, my first and only thought would be "Hmmmmm, should I give a two week notice or not?"

Someone has to win. It might as well be me. That's my attitude (and I think a pretty good one!). They say you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning, so I moved to the "Lightning Strike Capital of North America"... and perhaps that has improved my chances of winning!!!!

Guess I'll go to work tomorrow. Who know what kind of weirdness awaits me. I think I may be having a "surprise" visit from my boss this week. Lucky me. (Wrong kind of luck.)

So for all of you who plan to come see me tomorrow and expect something for nothing, I salute you. And wish you luck. Homey here is not playing your game... my sights are set on winners, not losers. Please bring some form of payment for the merchandise you plan to purchase. Thank you.

At this point, I thought it would be fun to give you the history of why I started this blog. Actually, the inspiration came from many sources. Over the years, my co-workers and I have always commented "we should write a book" when something totally off the wall happened at work. We always figured that no one would believe the weird things that happened in retail, and some of the randomness is fairly amusing.

Then I had the pleasure of seeing the movie "Julie and Julia" recently, and it got me thinking. They say you should write about what you know, and although I enjoy cooking, there is no way I could blog my way thru a cookbook. In fact, I would have to "modernize" the fabulous recipes of Julia Child and re-title the experience "Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Using Only a Microwave and Crock Pot". I do not think it would do her masterpieces justice. I would be afraid that her "boof bur-gon-yon" would turn into "boof bur-gone-wrong".

So I spent some time brain-storming with a clever friend of mine (who, by the way, is a computer genius), and he helped me set this whole thing up. If you are need of a technical-guru, let me know... he's the best!

Write about what you know. That's the key. I've been in retail longer than I care to admit, but it has provided me with some great experiences. And I wanted to share...

And so a blog was born.

Once a week I have to complete my "weekly notes" and email them to my bosses. There are several categories that I have to comment on... Marketing, Merchandising, Operations, Inventory, Staffing, etc. The upper-cheese levels just want to know what's going on in the field without actually being in it, so they ask us to send them weekly updates.

It was a particularly slow day today, so I had the pleasure of reading thru old "Updates" that were saved on the computer. There were reports dating back three years!

Bottom line... I stood there laughing most of the afternoon as I read the memos! It seemed as if the former manager must have been on the brink of a meltdown. His comments were priceless.

He told the Big Cheeses that they were "creating monsters by letting the customers combine offers when it clearly states that offers can not be combined." He went to say that our company motto should be borrowed from that hamburger chain (Have it Your Way!). He told of one incident where a customer got upset because we were out of stock on an item, so the customer "threw the ad at him and cursed at him as she left the store". His next comment was "Great working conditions".

And once you create monsters, you can never get rid of them!

He also snuck in a little gem after stating that they had been waiting five weeks for a computer that was supposed to be there in three, but corporate promised it would be there the next week. His reply to that was "I won't hold my breath".

Apparently, he went out of his way to help a customer, and bent the rules a little by giving the customer a small discount on an item that wasn't on sale. The next day he got a "nasty-gram" (as he put it) from someone at Corporate asking him why he did what he did. His reply to Corp was "It's called Customer Service, or don't we do that anymore".

Don't know how this manager met his demise... but his comments were hilarious. I could totally relate to his total disgust for the drama that surrounds retail. Not sure if the customers drove him crazy, or if corporate did. Hope he's enjoying a padded cell somewhere. He seemed to earn it.

Why do people lie? Here's a true, unsuccessful attempt to gain something from lying...

This past Wednesday, we had a "One Day Sale". Emails were sent out to customers informing them that "for ONE DAY ONLY, everything was 50% off the original retail". (Again, this seems pretty clear cut.) Our store hours on Wednesday are 10am-6pm. Always have been.

So on Friday (2 days after the "one day" sale) this drunk dude (yes, the odor of alcohol was almost overwhelming) came in the store and complained that he arrived at the store on Wednesday at 5:55pm and we were closed... lights out, no one home. What a bullsher!! And I'm sure the only reason he made a "stink" about it was because he wanted me to "extend the courtesy" of allowing him to take advantage of the sale after it had expired. (Oh wait, I forgot to mention that he came in the store around 10:30am, which must mean inebriation was on the menu for breakfast.)

We were slower than anticipated in the afternoon in question, so I sent my other associate home at 5pm. And don't ya know... the floodgates opened as soon as she left the building. So I worked as efficiently as possible, desperately trying to take care of all the customers who came thru the door. And at 6pm, I still had a handful of people in the store. In fact, the last customer left at 6:20pm.

So to recap: Lights were on, customers were in the store, door was unlocked until 6:20.

I took great pleasure in telling Mr. Drunk and Obnoxious that his watch must be broken. Then I relayed that I was in the store (with lights on and doors unlocked) until 6:20. He tried back-peddle a little and now changed his story, claiming that it was a "friend" who said that we closed early. Really??? Who was his friend??? Was his name Jack? Jim? Jose? (as in Daniels, Beam, Cuervo?)

What an idiot!!! First of all, when you plan on being out in public, it would be nice if you showered. And in something other than 80 proof. Second of all, come up with a better "story" to tell. And when you realize your story is in the crapper, don't bother to change your tune. It makes you look like a bigger idiot than you already are.

If I were 12, I would have said "Liar, liar, pants on fire." Too bad I'm 29.